Something Not So Negative

Current Tunes: Isis - Ghost Key

Man… Two weddings inside of about one week. Whole world’s gone and gotten itself in love. Crazy stuff.

Don’t know if I want any part of that mess right now. All the business of just trying to form myself into a professional, driven, creative, worthwhile, healthy human being is a feat of strength in and of itself. I’ve been told before I need to find someone, and that might be true, but I also need to do what’s probably years’ worth of self-improvement in a much, much shorter time period. I’ll be lucky if it doesn’t kill me, ha.

I have this fantastic vision of what I could be, and I want to get to that so badly. I want that more than I want my Master’s right now, I think. It’s a difficult task for me to be balancing these things. I sometimes wonder if soon I’ll be forced to make a decision between one or the other.

The encouraging thing, however, is to look around and see how many friends, people I care very much about, are doing super wonderful things in their own lives, improving the quality of their being. I think certain incarnations of myself would look around and instead of being inspired, would be jealous. Thankfully that person isn’t sitting at the keyboard right now and hopefully he won’t show up again for quite some time.

The most appealing thought for me right now would be to pack up my laptop, head out to a bar tonight, sit at a booth and order two pitchers of beer and drink them while I just sat there and wrote. Wrote whatever came to my head, wrote those found poems I’ve taken notes for, wrote anything.

Beyond writing here, I haven’t done too much writing for myself, none of that hardcore therapeutic poetry writing I used to do in the dead of night, back when I was alive and powered under my own mind and ambition. I should obey this compulsion. I should just do it.

Too often I have great, wonderful ideas. “It would be great to do” this or that. But it never happens. I should make a record of every thought I have like this, and then just do say two of them every week, no matter what they are. Just actually go and do these awesome things instead of just sitting around thinking I can’t have adventure in my life.

And despite my earlier comments, I have to admit it would be nice to go and have this wonderful night of writing at the bar with a woman. But what girl in her right mind would want to sit through such utter nonsense? Reality is… not a bummer, but something close. Something not so negative.