I Want My $10 Back, J.K Rowling.

Current Tunes: High on Fire – Return to Nod

How frustrating is it when you keep making that same, mindless mistake time after time? You think to yourself ‘maybe it’ll be different this time’ but really you know better, you just keep persisting, because that’s what wishes and hope do to you.

That keeps happening to me with the “Harry Potter” film series. I got to hand it to the clever people who put together the trailer for this newest phase of the series, they really tricked me into thinking things had changed, but they hadn’t.

My biggest complaint against these films: six films so far and each one has had the exact same plot. Here, let me run down the formula for you:

Harry encounters some difficulty in the real (read: non-wizard) world that outlines the plot conflict and highlights his destiny/future. Train ride to Hogwarts. Throw in some nonsense about how awesome Ron & Hermoine are as friends. Swoony-eyes between them, then between Harry & some broad. Announce new dark arts teacher. Cower in fear at mention of Voldemort’s name. Pointless scene featuring magical toys or foods or something or other. Investigate mystery surrounding new professor. Pick up some super-magical artifact. Bad guys show up. Crazy drama. Crazy drama falls by the wayside in favor of pretty sunrise shots and not-funny jokes.

Seriously, I’ve paid for six movies and I’ve still only seen one. That’s not only a rip-off, its unethical. This is the one that’s made me the maddest not just because I’m sick of being duped, but this one held such promise and was instead a total failure.

If I’d been able to title the film, I would have called it “Harry Potter and the Saga of Watching Draco Malfoy Skulk Around for Six Months Not Saying a Damn Word.” Seriously, how many times do you think you can use the same scene over and over again before I’m going to get bored to tears? What exactly were they thinking having a character somehow being centrally involved in such a huge plot twist, yet only give that character one scene containing lines before the big finale? Completely underused; you can almost cut Malfoy out of the film altogether and it have the same plot.

“[Alan] Rickman is sublime” one critic said about this movie. Really?!?! Sublime’s an odd word to describe an actor who’s barely on screen and just sits around in the background, waiting for his chance to finally jump out from behind the curtains and just shout ‘AH HA!’ really loudly in the final moments of an already-dying film in a final, vain attempt to give the narrative excitement and drama.

Speaking of the dark, evil, gothy-blacky-moody camp in this movie, anyone want to explain to me why exactly it was so important for Draco to get that magical teleporting wardrobe (a la The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe) in working order, just for the intruding bad guys to run around Hogwarts breaking a few windows and setting fire to a small, dilapidated shack? Snape did all the work, he's the one that took care of the job, and he was already bloody there.

Those spineless 'death-eating' morons should've seen the opportunity that was clearly laid in front of them and slaughtered all those pesky brats and their geriatric professors. Voldemort - 3,000; Potter - 0. Even if they had to leave Potter alive for their supposedly-brilliant-and-fearless-leader to deal with later, what's he going to do once he looks around and sees all his friends dead? He'll either crumple into a shriveled ball of sobs and depression, or he'd just give into the inevitable (and obviously smarter plan) and just join Voldemort as his right hand man. Now that is compelling story!

All this time devoted to the mega-project that is this series and you would think these kids would have learned how to act. Radcliff, Watson, and Grint each have only the minimal emotions in their repertoire, and each is becoming drowsingly dull. Harry’s one emotion seems to be look around in awe and bewilderment whilst confusing crap happens all about you (funny, that perfectly describes my expression as I watched this sack of trash). Ron’s mode of operation is pretty much determined by whether or not he’s ogling Hermoine or has to revert to side-kick mode and spew out the usual “Gee-whilikers Harry!” Hermoine doing the same, taking the occasional break to be the self-important overachiever when she’s not dreaming of flicking Ron’s pants-wand. It’s insane to me how one-dimensional and stereotypical the characters of this narrative really are. It’s even more astonishing that it’s taken this long for me to realize it.

Perhaps the greatest sin of all is not recognizing the simplest mistake that each of the previous five films had made and failing to at least attempt to correct it. They have yet to make one of these films understandable to a person who has not read the book. It may be impossible to truly succeed on this front at the level needed to label any of these films as actually 'good,' but at least humor me and make an effort. If I see that you're trying, I'll glance over plot inconsistencies and at-best-sloppy editing.

It’s become undoubtedly clear what the true purpose of the “Harry Potter” film franchise is: to steal away both the public’s hard-earned money and their already-dwindling imagination by selling them a heap of recycled, redundant hash with no substance or character.

I want to emphasize this particular point about the imagination of the world, children especially. I appreciate what the "Harry Potter" franchise has done for reading and education in the Western world. It's single-handedly stemmed the tide of seemingly-unstoppable illiteracy that seems to be creeping its way slowly into our culture and for that I'm grateful. But the films are doing a disservice to its audience by presenting them a lifeless, mediocre interpretation of what I have no doubt is a stunning, compelling story, even if it is a bit derivative. I feel it would be better for folks to let their own imaginations serve as the movie; it would certainly be more satisfying and enriching. This is just what Hollywood does, though. Steal away stories and take away the mystique and meaning and sanitize it for consumption. I guess that's who I should truly be pointing the finger at.

Nevertheless, I cannot let the cycle continue; I must avoid the final two films, no matter the temptation. The end result will only be discontent and displeasure. I only pray I can remind myself of past failures and withstand the bright, pretty, flashing lights that will attempt to lure me back into the theater to show me a trick I've already seen multiple times before.