Transformation

Current Tunes: Isis - 20 Minutes / 40 Years

Ever wonder how other things get in the way? How does that happen? Sometimes you can’t help it, they’re forces outside of your influence. That’s horribly frustrating, isn’t it? What’s not as frustrating is when you get in the way of your own plans. You have a lapse in memory, you change your mind or you procrastinate, or someone comes along with new, not as productive, plans and you jump right out of your schedule and start walking that new road.

Maybe they’re right; maybe I am too worried about control. It’s all I’ve got though; it’s the only way to keep what little I have left standing. Where does a person keep that unique courage that’s necessary to let all the blocks tumble down, pick them up, and try and build a better castle this time? I’d say I’m a little hesitant because I’ve done that more that once before, at least I feel like I did, and having to do it again just makes me wonder, down in the deepest parts of me, if I’m using the right materials.

With so many perceived annoyances and problems, it’s terribly hard to pinpoint the primary source of my discontent and unhappiness. My best guess? I don’t know what I want. It weighs on everything else. I say I want a simple, no-nonsense or frills kind of life, but then I sit around and wonder why I have and do nothing. I say I want to change people and the ills of the world but I can’t even change myself. My mind makes up a list of things that need to be done every morning, but something wipes away the chalkboard and I’m left standing in the classroom waiting for a new set of directions that doesn’t come until the next day, and disappears again anyway. The cycle continues.

What does it take to break that threshold where you look back and say “OK, this can happen now?” It feels like it’s made of steel and all I have is rocks and stones.