The Best Authority on the Bestest

Current Tunes: The Sword – Tres Brujas

List-driven articles are not works of journalism, at all. I’m just as suckered in by these “best of” lists as anyone else, and they’re definitely a source of guilty pleasure for me, but I think VH1, that bastion of objectivity and credibility, I think finally put together a “best of” list that has completely driven me away from the concept for good.

When first presented with the idea that VH1 had done a “100 Greatest Artists” list, a little voice went off in my head, screaming how this was a horrible idea and could in no way be a fair representation of rock and roll history. I was right of course, but it had to be confirmed. I had no idea what was waiting for me, and as usual, I wish I had never even looked at the list.

Let’s start with Rage Against the Machine. I’m a fan of this band. A little bit. If you know me, this should not be news to you. RATM ranked #48 on this list. RATM ranked ahead of unquestionable legends like Otis Redding, The Doors, Rush, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Judas Priest, Run-D.M.C., Elvis Costello, Little Richard, and plenty of other noteworthy artists and bands from multiple genres. I’m here to tell you, RATM’s contributions to rock and roll history can’t even possibly stack up to Little Richard. That’s just ludicrous. Let’s think about inspirations for a minute. RATM probably doesn’t happen without Run D.M.C and Public Enemy, both of whom did proto rap/rock songs with popular rock bands. Run D.M.C. and Public Enemy inspire RATM. But what did RATM inspire? Korn? Limp Bizkit? Bands that didn’t make the list at all.

Other travesties on this list involved ranking Ray Charles #43, then putting Metallica right above him at #42. Or how about Tina Turner coming in at #34, but Guns ‘n Roses (AKA the most overrated rock band in history) getting the #33 spot? I just cannot stomach the thought of ranking Tina Turner, who survived an inhumane wave of abuse and violence, below a band featuring a singer who more than once stormed off stage in a child-like temper tantrum and even once assaulted a fan mid-concert.

What was funny to me was the top 10 choices were almost completely agreeable. Almost. Prince was at #7, putting him above James Brown. I cannot even fathom any possible logic or system VH1 had to use in order to rank Prince above a guy he owes his entire career to.

Led Zeppelin fairly deserved a top 10 spot, but #4 seems a bit high. That put them just above The Rolling Stones who had the #5 slot. I don’t see how the big LZ can be put over the Stones when LZ has been disbanded and inactive for the past couple decades while Jagger & Co. continue to tour and entertain worldwide. I guess longevity and dedication don’t always translate into true appreciation, do they?

So why do magazines and TV shows thrive on articles like this? Because they stir up debate, mostly. And look at me, contributing to the cycle… Ugh. They also capture your attention pretty easily, and can be a quick way to drive ratings. Similarly, online plenty of sites will put up lists like this, a top 10 or 20, and make an individual page for every slot, so you end up clicking ten different links to their sites in an attempt to read what is really only one article. So on the surface it looks like their site is getting lots of traffic. Ingenious.

I think people look to these articles for some sort of peer evaluation, in a sad and meaningless way. Media outlets that aren’t the absolute tip-top on the authority ladder (like for music, Rolling Stone the magazine) of a subject write up of a list that they hope will get the approval of the leaders just to squeeze out a little bit of credibility. But let me tell you, VH1, that you have no damn respectability at all. You came up with the show “Best Week Ever,” which is quite an ironic title because it’s really one of the worst television shows ever. You also thought Chris Jericho, a professional wrestler, would be some fantastic authority on pop culture. I like Jericho and all, but any time he’s been on one of your specials, this insanity he calls language that comes out of his mouth causes small hemorrhages in my head.

Why can’t you and your big sister MTV just go back to playing music videos 24 hours a day? “Well,” says Mr. Corporate TV Executive CEO guy, “People don’t sit in front of the TV for an hour straight watching music videos. They consume one or two videos, then change over to something else. So our advertisers aren’t getting their money’s worth.”

There you have it.

The good news is the dominant paradigm, like it always does, is changing. Magazines are a dying media outlet. And television use is down as well, thanks to the unstoppable power of the Internet. I’m sure people’s fascination with list-journalism won’t change along with how they consume text media, as much as I wish it would. But that doesn’t mean I can’t change myself. Screw list culture. I’ve got better things to do.